Her Body Was A Cage
by niamhlove
Summary: Scott's POV in episode 15 - Exposed. This was surprisingly difficult to do as i have no idea why he pushed her away tbh.


Her Body was a cage

He didn't know why she blocked him out; all he wanted to do was share with her. She knew all his secrets, the ones he was most ashamed of, the ones he couldn't even share with Peter. How he had originally felt about Elaine, and that he had been conflicted about the abuse he had suffered due to him coming when she slept with him. Her acceptance of him and what had happened had felt like breathing for the first time. When he kissed her he didn't feel disgusted with himself, he was just happy he had her.

But he wanted more from her, he wanted to feel like he knew her secrets too, and though he knew she was slowly opening up to him, the fact he was so exposed made him anxious, he wanted to diminish that feeling by knowing each other inside out. But every time he asked she was able to get him into a make-out session, and he lost himself in her lips, her curves, and her taste.

And now she was lost in her bubble of solitude, the keep away vibes were super strong, and he had no idea what he had done. He felt lost at sea, bereft almost he was so used to feeling her nearby. It kind of bothered him a little as he had only known her for 4 months but she was like part of him now, an arm or a leg.

He had felt hurt at her dismissal, he hadn't meant to sound so accusing and now he just felt sick to his stomach. He knew what her stepfather did and he knew it had started a lot earlier than 14 like him. He hated this man and he had never met him. He was sick at the thought of Shelby being so vulnerable, so anguished. She was such a strong person, snarky but strong. He couldn't imagine her as anything but. But he knew that somewhere underneath was a child losing her innocence one terrifying night at a time.

He guessed that explained why she just got him, and he felt dumb for not seeing it sooner. But he had been so wrapped up in his own shit that it just hadn't occurred to him to look deeper. He knew he was a dick. And what was worse was he felt selfish, selfish because he wanted her to remain the way she was, strong and supportive, in his eyes. He wasn't healed and he didn't feel ready to try and help heal someone else's broken psyche. He sort of hated himself a little.

When he heard her 'made-up mess with the new girl' story, he knew it was the truth. Shelby just didn't lie like that, for a person based on half truths she was surprisingly honest and shockingly bad at lying. He felt angry, angry at her. Abused kids didn't prostitute themselves; he had felt sick at the idea of sex since Elaine. He hadn't even been all that comfortable around his own naked body till being with her never mind selling it to someone else. He just couldn't comprehend it. Maybe she was just into sex, she had tempted her stepfather? At that singular thought he wanted to kill himself, he knew it wasn't like that, she wasn't like that. And then he was jealous and it was irrational. He was jealous at these other men having from her what he wanted, though he knew it was a transaction and not love and that made it feel worse. Elaine had been abuse, he wanted Love next. Why hadn't she felt the same? Saved her body for Love. And now he was back to angry.

Shame just flooded him when he moved his hand away, he wanted to accept her the way she had always accepted him. But he was scared now, scared of how deeply he was taking this. The abuse he understood, he knew what that did to you but he just didn't understand the prostitution. He couldn't explain it to himself, and he was hurt she hadn't told him. He felt like he had fallen in love with Mirror Shelby not the real one and felt jipped. He had fallen in love. He had fallen in LOVE.

LOVE, it was unconditional, she had proved that with him he needed to prove that to her. He hadn't realised it before but he was truly in love with her. He needed to tell her but his feet just wouldn't move off the porch.

Now he understood why Shelby locked herself tight, she had been terrified of this very reaction. He wanted to cry and rage for what they both had lost, and what might still be lost if he couldn't pull this together in his heart and soul and head. Heart Loved Shelby, Soul Needed Shelby, and Head – well Head was in pieces.


End file.
